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Patience

 I’ve never been a woman of patience. Most of the time I want things right now. I think I’m in a rut. Maybe since my mom has passed I’m trying to put it all together mentally . My mom passed very suddenly 2 years ago. 

Although our  relationship was not the best she tended to be quite overbearing it confused me that God didn’t answer my prayers to save her. Everyone says Gods plan is his way. That really does not help my unanswered questions . Did she love me? She wasn’t one to tell me while she was alive , I had to forge my own path in life and lean on God. So why would he take her and leave me confused . 


Now I question everything not God entirely but myself . 

My life is halted in so many ways . I lost interest in some of my favorite things and I question if God loves me . 


He didn’t save my mom , he’s not sending a husband or any relief . God takes on all the burdens when we can’t . But I ask where are you God ? Do you love me ? Now I’ve gotten to where I don’t love where I’m at . Depression is beginning to sink in like mud. I’m certainly not a depressed person , I usually radiate joy . 


Jesus meet me where I’m at . I’m kind of disgusted with my world , my job takes all my time and I miss being happy, most of all being myself . 


I’m tired of hustling to pay my bills and always being a step behind and that can make you feel like a loser too 


It’s just me . The weight of the world is always resting on my shoulders and I have a daughter who needs my full attention , love , and support . 


I’m here at the end of the road I’m 46. There isn’t an exit or a trap door , there is no answer and no reason . 


I’m up all night every night with migraines and seizures I’m always tired . I can’t go on . 


God help me . For the first time im scared . I’ve hoped in hope for so long - yet here i am . The thing is i work hard I don’t know to many people who work as hard I as I do 


I just want to quit and stay in bed . But im too ambitious for that . Have you ever thought of just giving up? 


Have you ever wondered why no one loves you ? 

You can tell me any fancy thing you want but it does not change my reality . Only God can do that . 


I’m asking God , to come here and meet me . Show me your power and your love . 


Love , 


Me 

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