Morning Coffee

 I’ve never been a woman of patience. Most of the time I want things right now. I think I’m in a rut. Maybe since my mom has passed I’m trying to put it all together mentally . My mom passed very suddenly 2 years ago.  Although our  relationship was not the best she tended to be quite overbearing it confused me that God didn’t answer my prayers to save her. Everyone says Gods plan is his way. That really does not help my unanswered questions . Did she love me? She wasn’t one to tell me while she was alive , I had to forge my own path in life and lean on God. So why would he take her and leave me confused .  Now I question everything not God entirely but myself .  My life is halted in so many ways . I lost interest in some of my favorite things and I question if God loves me .  He didn’t save my mom , he’s not sending a husband or any relief . God takes on all the burdens when we can’t . But I ask where are you God ? Do you love me ? Now I’ve gotten to where...

 What is courage , you ask . Courage means so many things. Courage is dying for someone else , or saving a life. Courage is loving someone unconditionally. Courage can mean growth or even un forgiveness.  Courage is facing your fears and grasping onto your dreams. Courage is hope and faith.  For me courage is seeing others for where they are and loving them with all my heart. Courage to me is knowing when they don’t show up , it’s not my fault.  Courage is loving myself enough to remain hopeful to have my dreams. Letting God lead me into this life that is a battle .  Courage is letting God be in control and wearing my armor.  Love comes from with in , joy comes from with in. It’s not manufactured by money or material things , but from ourselves .  Sometimes courage is just being brave enough to choose joy. Especially when it seems like it’s always raining inside.  God is my anchor . Thank you Lord . 

 As a single mom I can’t afford to call out sick or to put myself first . I spend 12 hour days at work trying to hustle every day to pay rent to pay bills . It’s a constant struggle.  When your alone there is no emotional support it’s just me and the harsh world praying to the Lord above to save us every month .  Although I’m a pretty bad ass person who works hard has epilepsy and can be in a hospital all night and still show up for work I’m beginning to feel burn out from life.  I need a break , I feel like I can’t do it any more . I’ve given up every single thing that matters for my job so I can pay the  bills . Is it worth it ? No . Do I have any other choice ? No .  My chances of winning the lottery are slim . So how do I make it better ? How do I fit in the gym where I used to go 3 times a day but now I’m to tired and I need to see my daughter on my spare time . How do I have time to write or to even go to church .  What about a relationship ?!!!...

 As I sit here at work for my 11 hour shift I can’t help but think what I would do if I didn’t have to work as much.  To do the things that bring me joy …..  definitely the gym , the beach , church , helping the homeless more , more traveling for sure , more joy . Maybe see my family way more !  For now I stare out this window , hoping to win the lottery .